It'll Look Good When it Dries!

This year will be the 13th year of celebrating Father's Day without my Dad. The last one we spent together, he was merely a shadow of himself, as his battle with mesothelioma would take him less than a month later in July, 2011.

This post is more about the celebration of Father's Day and what it means to me and I'm sure many others. I think more than any other parental - child relationship the Father and Son can be the most tenuous and tumultuous.

The Father - Daughter relationship tends to be one of protection. Your job as a Dad is to make sure nothing happens to that precious little girl of yours. This I know, I will feel to my grave. It's not to say it's always clear or smooth sailing, but I suppose the emotional flexibility is greater towards a daughter than a son.

The opposite reflection of that relationship tends to be the Mother - Son connection. This also seems to have a different set of emotions and how it is intertwined. Again, often the Mother to Daughter relationship can be a little more tense at times.

What I am stating here is a fairly generic approach to parent-child relationships. I'm sure many of you reading this however, might be shaking your heads in agreement.

Bottom line, no matter the details nor the approach to managing these connections, love should be the great prevailer. Unconditional love at that.

Back to the subject at hand, Father's Day. All you have to do is head to a Hallmark card store or any place selling greeting cards and you can measure the attention Mother's Day has over Father's Day. If that doesn't convince you, just hit the roads on Mother's Day and think of how much more traffic you crawl through compared to Father's Day.

So why is that? Are mothers better and more valued and therefore revered more than fathers?

Mother's Day was officially established in the U.S. in 1914 by President Woodrow Wilson. The idea of honoring mothers does however go back centuries prior. Anna Jarvis was the woman behind creating the movement that led to the creation of an official Mother's Day.

The establishment of Father's Day is a bit more muddled. While some claim it was first proposed back in 1909 by a woman in Spokane Washington who wanted to honor her Dad after hearing a Mother's Day sermon, the official observance was much later. In fact, it was not until 1972, 58 years after the start of observing Mother's Day, that President Nixon established it as an observed day.

While things have changed considerably over the years, at the inception of Mother's Day, clearly most moms stayed at home, took care of the household and did all of the nurturing with the children, as well as ensuring her husband came home to a good meal and a peaceful and orderly homestead. That's not an easy task. It wasn't then, and it certainly isn't today. Hence, I see the deserving honor of having a day of appreciation. Quite honestly, might be deserving of more than a day.

On the flip side, the traditional Father was the breadwinner and provided for the family, keeping food in their stomachs and a roof over their heads. He was the protector and the disciplinarian. Of course times have changed and many of these roles have either switched completely or are shared.

I myself experienced being a stay at home Dad when my son was born. My wife had the better job with health insurance and higher salary. Like many, I took care of the chores and my son for almost two years. It was an enlightening experience, but toward the end my male genes kept driving me to want to be the provider, not the nurturer to that level.

As usual, I digress from the point of this blog post. It was to honor my Dad and all of the great Fathers out there.

My Dad was a fairly simple guy in terms of needs or demands. I would say he led more by example and the day to day way in which he lived his life as opposed to lecturing or setting rules for his children.

Much of what I gathered about my Dad as a person came later in life. I was the last of three children. Some might say the "Surprise!" child. I have an older brother and sister. By the time I came around, my parents were now trying to support three kids on what I would call a shoestring budget. My Dad went through trying entrepreneurship at a failed dry cleaning business. Then my mom pushed him to take the postal workers test and that became his main job.

However, knowing this was still not enough, even with my Mom working part-time, he took on a weekend job working in a catering hall, waitering and eventually becoming captain over huge banquet events. In addition, for awhile he would deliver dry cleaning for another business to make a few extra bucks. For a stretch he was working three jobs and often seven days a week.

For me as his son, this meant I had very little time with my Dad. We had dinners Monday-Friday together, but often I wouldn't see him at all on weekends, working in the catering hall both days and the post office Saturdays.

What I do remember though as a youngster, during the warm weather season, especially after school was done, something I think I hold more precious to me now than then. It was after dinner hearing him say, "go get your glove, let's have a catch." For that 15-30 minutes in the driveway between houses in Ozone Park, Queens, on a warm summer evening, I was in my comfort corner with my Dad.

He taught me how to throw a knuckleball, as best I could at that age. He could move the ball around a lot actually. He would give me tips on squaring myself to the ball when I could, on ground balls hit to me. It was a special time only realized later in my life. It's the reason why everytime I watch the scene in the movie Field of Dreams and he asks, "do you want to have a catch," my eyes usually fill up with tears.

It's like many things in life. You often don't know what you've got until it's gone.

My relationship with my Dad during my teens was not a close one, but not a bad one either. At this point I was hanging out with a bigger circle of friends, had a girlfriend and finding my way in the world. My Dad was not one for sit down father to son talks. He led and taught more by example. One such instance sticks in my mind deeply and proudly.

As I mentioned, my Dad worked for the post office. His regular route was in Hamilton Beach, Queens. It was a scruffy little neighborhood near the water. So near, that often during astronomical high tides or coastal storms half his route would be underwater. That didn't deter my Dad. I guess he took the mailperson adage neither rain nor sleet.....etc very seriously. He would deliver the mail in hip waders if needed. He would check in on the older folks if he hadn't seen them for a couple of days. He made sure those getting their SS checks got them on time. He viewed these people on his mail route as his family and took care of them as such.

Well, after a few years of doing this, the fine people of Hamilton Beach, a low-middle class income lot at best, honored my Dad in a celebration at the local VFW Hall. They presented him with a plaque and I believe a gift of $500. He was embarrassed, but I think more thrilled of the thought and the turnout.

That moment left a lasting impression on me. The words I do remember him saying to me after that night still linger. "If you are doing a job, any job, I don't care what it is. Your name is attached to it and you should ALWAYS do it to the best of your abilitiy."

My Dad and I became closer after his retirement. We would have more genuine conversations and I got to learn a lot more about his life. From stories he never told about when he was a youngster, to his service in the army during the Korean War time. I was surprised about how interesting much of this was, but he waited until now to tell me. When I asked him why, he replied "I didn't think you would be interested." Not totally sure why he felt that way, but there are some things I will never know completely about my father, but that's OK. I know he was an honest man who worked hard to support his family and with the magic of my mother handling the finances of the household, I never remember wanting or needing while growing up, despite the minimal means.

My Dad went on to be a much loved grandfather. I have to say he was probably the favorite for all his grandkids. Perhaps in his golden years, he now had the time to be more playful and get involved. I don't resent that, as I came to understand the difference a man feels in himself and his responsibilities when he becomes a father. I also now see the difference of one's perspective as a grandfather. Much less pressure and much more fun!

If you've made it this far, I hope you have, some of you might be wondering about the title of this blog. It comes from a somewhat earlier time with my Dad when we would as a family put some new paint on the walls of our home. As the youngest I usually got the paint the closets department......REALLY??!!!

Others would be assigned windows and woodwork etc. My Dad did most of the heavy rolling of the walls and ceilings. My mom liked to use colors, so outside of the ceiling, white was not a common color. However the various colors had different pigments in them and often when you first rolled it out on the walls it appeared streaky and blotchy. Sometimes to the point of someone saying "this looks awful" or "it need another coat" or worst yet "maybe we should paint it white."

My father's reply was simple and always the same. "Don't worry.....It'll look good when it dries." You know what? It always did. That line became a family mantra of sorts, not only when we were painting something, but for life situations that had a process in which early on you started doubting yourself or the project.

After all was said and done, things worked their way out, you could step back and say, "this looks good now that it's dry."

Thank you Dad for being the man you were. Miss you forever, but I sometimes can still hear you in my head with more of those often funny infamous lines that only we get. It's what makes them so precious.

To all the Dads out there. We may never get the level of honor and respect that Mothers do, but that's OK. They deserve it. Just be a good man who teaches respect for everyone and everything and love your children unconditionally. Be present as much you can, and the rest, God willing, will take care of itself.

Happy Father's Day & Sunshine Always!