Reflecting on a Decade

May 21st, 2026 marks one of those dates in my personal life that brings with it a plethora of emotions. This year in particular is a full decade since it happened. That unto itself is often hard to comprehend, but in reflecting on what has happened in my life in these last 10 years is something I would never have been able to conjure up in my deepest crevices of creative thinking.

Today marks the 10th anniversary(not really a word I feel apropos in describing the event) of the passing of my wife, partner and friend of nearly 40 years, my Nancy. Each year when this date comes around my emotions dance between melancholy, sadness, frustration and anger, and later an odd peace.

I can close my eyes and remember several moments from that last day. Nancy battled long and hard, quite often bravely against a hideous illness(myelofibrosis). By that Saturday, May 21st, 2016 she was barely a shell of herself. She could no longer speak. The evening prior was the last time I felt the ability to communicate as she would move her eyes and blink to certain things I asked or spoke about. I knew she was still aware, but I just wanted to make sure she was not in pain. It was quite frustrating I'm sure for her.

Ten years later, I still don't feel ready to share all of the events leading up to that day. Some loaded with painful irony and yet some quite beautiful, even with such an insidious backdrop. The main purpose of this post is to somehow honor Nancy.

However, it's also to express the lessons one learns from events like this and how we can move forward. You never forget, you just learn how to carry the weight moving forward as it is no longer perceived as a burden, but an experience that got you here and now today. All of these experiences that most of us will have at some point in our lives, are things to learn and grow from. If we view them or feel them as weights, to slow down or even halt living our lives, then aren't we disrespecting our greatest gift? Perhaps, to a degree, even disrespecting the person we've lost from our lives.

I recently remembered a book I read when Nancy and I had our first chinks in the armor of our marriage. The perfect storm of life brought Nancy's illness shortly after some of our marital struggles. Her therapist at the time suggested she read the book, "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser. If memory serves me, Nancy read a few pages and then I remember seeing it on the bookshelf, unattended to for weeks. One day I just decided to check it out and read the first few pages. I couldn't put the book down as I felt it was speaking directly to me. How did it know exactly what I was feeling and all of the inner turmoil that was swirling around inside my head and heart?

Perhaps I will write all the details in a memoir one day, but I will spare you for now. I did lend the book to a co-worker later who was struggling herself with life's issues. As often happens, I feel if you lend someone a book, safe to assume you will not see said book again. That's OK, particularly if they got something positive from the read.

Recently I brought the book up in conversation with someone close. I remembered how I truly felt the book saved my life and is also the reason I'm living the life I am today. I've often referred to the last 10 years of my life as the Phoenix years. The following is an excerpt from the book that I think perfectly articulates that process.

From the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser:

"When we descend all the way to the bottom of a loss, and dwell patiently with an open heart, in the darkness and pain, we can bring back up with us the sweetness of life and the exhilaration of inner growth. When there is nothing left to lose, we find the true self - the self that is whole, the self that is enough, the self that no longer looks to others for definition, or completion or anything but companionship on the journey.

This is the way to live a meaningful and hopeful life - a life of real happiness and inner peace. This is the Phoenix Process."

Almost feels like we need a mic drop after that, but many stories in the book, including the authors own journey, left an indelible mark on me in my life moving forward. Skipping excerpts and details, another huge part of this book was giving me the tools to forgive myself as well as others. For we are all "Bozo's on the Bus". That's for another day.

So, as always with this date, comes so many memories. Many, many good ones. I wouldn't be the person I am today if not for Nancy. We were together for 40 years, dating from freshman year in high school. It was a pretty smooth ride and played out for many years the way we had dreamed it would, if not better. However, life has a way of messing with you. Whether we realize it or not, we all change over time. We grow and evolve in different ways. Some very subtle, some more dramatic, some more volatile.

On this day, I just want to say thank you Nance for being a wonderful friend, wife, mother to our children. Your generosity to others could be challenged by few. I'll always remember the nostril wiggles when you tried to suppress a laugh. The well known, salty language frequently sprinkled into your conversations or opinions. One friend turned to me during one of her especially spicy deliveries and said, "oh I didn't know Nancy speaks French." Thank you for taking care of the family every minute of everyday and always thinking about us before you. It was a beautiful life, and for what reason we are yet to know, you were taken too soon.

I hope somehow you can see your children and grandchild. This thought pains me the most. I know how much all of that meant to you. I remember in one of our last conversations how I was lamenting about how could I go on with my life without you there. You calmly and lovingly said, "you'll be just fine and you will find someone". You followed it with some very funny caveat about just make sure it's not this one person. I remember how that turned my tears back to silly laughter.

My final point is to again express that you can move forward after painful losses in life. Not just death, but there are many other types of pain from which we need to know we can recover from and grow.

In the decade since Nancy has passed I've lost my job and now enjoying 4 years in a new one. Tried different careers, lived in NYC for a time in a couple of apartments(I never in my prior life lived in an apartment). I met a wonderful woman, Edmi who I married and now share an amazing home. To list the traveling and places I've seen would take far too long, but it has probably been responsible for much of my growth in this past decade. I have a beautiful family, with my kids nearby, mom still kicking at 91 and my siblings and I'm a grandpa!

I say all these things, because during the time all of these changes were going on, some people viewed it, let's just say differently. If you move forward from these things understand there is no blue print or plan. You must first be still with yourself and listen. Then take baby steps in moving forward. From that point things may accelerate or continue to move slowly. Just remember this is YOUR life. Do'nt let the judging eyes of others change your course. One of my favorite sayings is "opinions are like assholes......everyone has one".

Much of the Chris that was with Nancy had to go with her too. He was created from the life and love they shared together. This doesn't mean I don't think about us often. It doesn't mean out of nowhere I don't have a thought, see something or hear a song that makes me burst into tears. It still happens. Less often, but you can't fight that, and best to just go with what you feel.

In closing, Cheers Nance! I will raise a glass of a non-alcoholic beverage tonight, as I know you hated alcohol to salute you. Thank you for four decades together!

In peace Nance.