Time: A Gift or a Thief?

Recently my wife Edmi & I babysat for my grandson Enzo. It was the first time we were actually alone with him and he was in our care for several hours. Even though he's a bit over two years old, it still feels a little odd to think I have a grandson. How did this happen?

In any event, that's not really why I'm writing this post. It's more about how during certain moments in life, as you get older, you realize how time is racing by in it's almost nefarious way.

There's nothing more fun, challenging, and dare I say a little exhausting than trying to keep up with a very high energized two year old boy. Enzo is a blast and I always enjoy watching young eyes explore and react with an innocence that has not yet been corrupted by the world around him. I'm sure some of that is already sneaking in, but at two years old you don't value it in any way.

If you feel like jumping all over the furniture, or running around the house in circles, maybe hiding your toys behind the couch because it's funny, that's just what you do. No stress. No doubts. No insecurity. You just express what you are feeling at the moment. Of course as adults, we may still have some of those free feelings, but we generally mis-manage them into underlying problems that leave us on a couch in therapy. Or worse, ignoring them.

After watching Monsters Inc., Ice Age and Wall-E, the little whirling dervish finally started slowing down. We had moments in between where he would lay down with either myself or Edmi, but those lasted for not much more than a couple of minutes. However, in those two minutes it was heaven. Feeling that little guy pressing on your chest with that still fresh young person smell it was a beautiful moment. Took me back to the days of my own, Jeremy & Carly, at that age. Nothing better than a baby falling asleep on your chest as you lay on a couch and you can feel the breathing of that small creature on top of you.

After a couple of tries Enzo finally went down in his crib into what I hope is one of those blissful baby sleeps. We had darkened everything down stairs as per my daughter-in-laws instructions to begin to bring down his energy. It seemed to work, eventually.

Once he was tucked away upstairs we kept watching him on the monitor. He would toss and turn and occasionally sit up for another 10-15 minutes, but never made a peep, so we let him be. Eventually we could see he was settled into a deep sleep.

We kept the downstairs areas fairly dark and quiet and kept the TV off. We both had work early the next morning so we began to doze off ourselves while waiting for the kids to get home from the wedding. My dozing didn't last very long.

I lay there in the quiet and stillness of the living room. I could still feel the waning energy of Enzo circulating around me.

My mind then drifted into a peaceful, but yet somewhat melancholy place. First it hit me that I was here lying on the couch with my grandson sleeping upstairs in my first baby's home. My son was just a baby in what feels like a blink ago. That was 36 years ago! All I could think of was how that can't possibly be. Then I played the math game on my age and life. Not a good idea. I thought, if that was 36 years ago that I held that 7lb, 14 oz. 21" little baby boy on June 14th, 1989, I would have to live to 100 to see another 36 years. For whatever reason, that thought just broke my heart. What a cruel joke. You give me this wonderful life, but now I have to accept I am in the last quarter, if I'm lucky maybe a little over-time.

I have obviously lived through plenty of loss of loved ones who never made it this far. Yet I still delude myself into thinking my life will keep going on in a fictitious forever.

Edmi adores Enzo and I think the feeling is mutual. She will always be his abuela or grandma in his eyes. He will never meet his blood grandma, Nancy. In the quiet and darkness in the house at that moment that thought made me very sad and brought tears to my eyes. Everytime I see Enzo she comes to mind because I know how much she wanted to be a grandma. I hope she can still see him somehow.

Life and time march on seemingly oblivious, but I think taking moments to be with feelings like that and allowing yourself to absorb it and respond emotionally to how you feel, is very important.

In finishing up here, I suppose I was moved by the understanding and truth about time. It waits for no one, as the saying goes. It is something we sometimes wish to go by faster during moments of distress or enduring something we don't like or maybe wishing to finally get to something or someplace we think will make us happier. I'm not so sure that's a great idea, but I get it.

We have all heard the phrase "live each day as if it were your last." Really? Can we do that? In my head I feel like the consequences I would create from my actions would probably hasten the arrival of my "actual" last day.

Perhaps we should pay very little attention to time in the larger scope. Yes, we have to deal with daily time in hours and minutes based on schedules and keeping a sense of order. However, I can't tell you how much I desire no longer having a schedule. No more having to be somewhere at a definitive time on a certain set of days, months or years.

I do envy some of my retired friends who are experiencing that freedom from the shackles of day to day time management. I'm hoping that I will one day get the chance to enjoy that freedom. I think it can be an amazing time of exploration of oneself. A chance to honestly express your spirit without the concern of being judged by others or the detriment to your jobs lifeline. An opportunity to truly be the source behind your next move, not what other situations and responsibilities in your life make you feel you have to do, even if part of you is resisting.

It's my little fantasy I suppose, looking into my final chapters. It may or may not happen. Time will tell. There it is again. Time. It's been here before us and will be long after. It's probably something we shouldn't measure so much, but perhaps respect more.

Our time here is not written. Nobody truly knows how much of it we will have in this world. So for me, embracing time in the past, present and future are all something to celebrate even if they brought a variety of emotions. As far as I can see, the alternative might be timeless.

In closing this out I'm hoping the message is more about appreciating it all. In OUR time, we exist. However, time will keep on going long after we have moved on. Bottom line..... "carpe diem."

Sunshine Always!!